A Trapdoor In The Sun

"Lights will guide you home...and ignite your bones... and I will try... to fix you" Sometimes in life, I have to take a step back and remind myself that I cannot fix some things in life, as much as I really want to. This is an especially difficult lesson to understand when someone I love greatly is suffering, whether it be physical pain or mental. What makes things worse is that I am 300 miles away from even being able to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be alright. Somehow, I have got to learn to accept that life isn't perfect and I cannot fix this thing about her.... it is part of who she is, like her nose or her little toe. I have to learn to help her cope and give her reassurance that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know for a fact that she would do the same for me .

One thing that we have in common as human beings, something that is definitely absent among the ranks of the lower mammalian, is the unique and beautiful ability to dream. I'm not talking about the random (and sometimes scary) visions that roam about our heads at night while we are in that deep R.E.M. state. What I am referring to is the way we can imagine and produce a mental road map or itinerary of what we want to do, see or accomplish in life. Some call it a plan. Some call it their bucket list. I refer to it as my Wishlist. "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Mohandas Gandhi   As babes, we enter life being asked by the grown ups, what exactly do we wish for. I remember in kindergarten, in between the naps and learning the letters of the alphabet, my teacher asking me, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Most of us replied with the grade school standard 'fireman', 'policeman' or 'astronaut'. An enterpr...

These two guys have been rearing their ugly heads in my life the last week or so and I've been trying to decide how best to handle them. You see, I believe that I've really battled fear and insecurity since I was young. It's almost as if I expect bad things to happen and I'm trying to mentally prepare for the shock. For instance, when I was 21, I worked myself sick during college. I got so bent out of shape that I couldn't work anymore. I spent almost a month broke and feeling sorry for myself, lying in bed trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was achy, felt awful, and my head was spacey. I ended up going to the hospital and having a battery of tests ran on me... nothing abnormal being discovered. Finally, I had my sister come pick me up and I spent the next two months recovering at home with my family. That moment seemed like such an utter failure to me. I had to drop out of school. I had to leave my best friends and our awesome apartment that had really ...

It's Wednesday, September 7th and I'm three days removed from the Pearl Jam weekend. I think post-PJ depression is starting to set in finally. I would gladly take that over the post-Rochelle depression I've been experiencing since watching her walk into security yesterday at Port Columbus. The weekend itself was quite the experience that it had been billed as. We left in my little Mazda 3 at six in the morning, hell bent for Wisconsin. I hadn't anticipated driving Snowball on this trip, but she was somehow up for the task. Drama ensued as we had to hunt down a mechanic in a small know-nothing town in Indiana to fix random noises that were coming from the engine block. It turned out to be a loose piece of plastic and was fixed quickly with a plastic tie and a few holes drilled into the chassis. Still, it was a very stressful morning for the both of us. The thought of being stranded in Indiana was not a pleasant one, despite the nice things that John Mellencamp says abou...

I'm back at work today after an exhausting and extemely out-of-this-world weekend. I will be updating Trapdoor tonight with a full account of the PJ20 weekend. Peace and love. Drew

...and Rochelle wants to be sedated. No, seriously. She is taking some Xanex prior to her flight to Columbus. The poor girl has not been on an airplane for more than a decade and seems to be petrified at the thought of flying. I wish I make her understand what a non-issue flying really is. It's the safest form of transportation we have! It's a short trip, though, and I'm sure she will be fine. I cannot wait to meet her at the gate and feel her in my arms once again. It's going to be a beautiful start for an awesome weekend.

PJ20 is set to be the party of the year in the heartland of America. One more day of work that is, although technically speaking, I have a day and a half left. The afternoon is dragging horribly. You see, typically, I've gotten used to carrying on a nice little email back and forth with Rochelle during work hours. This helps the day go by and keeps me in contact with her as we cannot talk, chat or be physically together. Unfortunately, she had a horrible time getting to sleep last night. I know what that's like as I've dealt with that many times. The following day is almost always unbearable. So, Ro took off around noon and went home to sleep. I'm a tad lonely without her cheery banter, but I know it's good for her to nap. We both know what a long weekend lies ahead. Speaking of the weekend, let me elaborate. If there is one thing that brought the two of us together it would be Pearl Jam. I've been a fan for almost 20 years and Ro has loved them all of ...

Back in the blogging glory years of the mid-2000's this was a lively, vibrant blog. I used this to bare my soul and flush all the shit out of my head that was sloshing around up there. I thought of it as Ex-Lax for the soul. With the social media advent of MySpace, and more recently FaceBook, this little blog was abandoned, although I get random comments from time to time about posts I remember very little of. It seems kind of sad when I think of these people visiting my vacant blog. I've decided to come back. For a while anyway. I need to clean things up. I need to vacuum and dust, maybe move some furniture around and let my fung shui flow. I've decided to write about a journey that I am taking soon. This journey I speak of will be the most important trek of my relatively young 40 years. While it is, in fact, a physical move; that is a change in latitude; it is also dependent entirely on a sea change in my attitude. Thankfully, I have already made strides to turn the tid...

Video I put together for Unthought Known off of the Pearl Jam album Backspacer. Basic synopsis is the story of a homeless guy who learns to conduct the world around him.

(CNN) -- If you feel like your cubicle walls are closing in around you, you may be right. A combination of the troubled economy and the influx of mobile technology is changing the workplace landscape. Literally. Companies across the country are shrinking those boxed-in work areas or scrapping the notion of the once-ubiquitous cubicles altogether. At tech-giant Intel, employees who used to work in a 72-square-foot space now work in a cozier 48-square-foot station, company officials say. "Everyone used to get a cube, but that doesn't work for the way people actually do their work today," said Neil Tunmore, director of corporate services at Intel, who spearheaded the corporate redesign that began in 2007. In 1994, the average office worker had 90 square feet of office space, but the area had been whittled down to 75 square feet in 2010, according to the International Facility Management Association, a professional network for the facility management industry. Space fo...

  Willie Nelson Busted for 6oz of Weed  And the ridiculous "war on drugs" marches on. We waste billions of dollars on drug enforcement every year so the government can keep an eye on what it's citizens put in their bodies. The majority of inmates in the prison system are incarcerated for drug related convictions and we spend even more tax money keeping them there. It seems to me that the money would be better spent on treatment programs and education.  Let's face the facts here. Marijuana is not nearly as potent as alcohol, nor as damaging. Yet, alcohol is completely legal and socially acceptable. But really that's beside the point. Why should our government have ANY right to determine what is legal or illegal to consume? I would extend that to any "controlled substance". If I'm an idiot and want to drink gasoline, I should be able to do that.

Just finished reading a blog my sister wrote regarding family and politics. She brings up some very valid points. Clicky on the above link.

I think this is very telling when it comes to American politics. In 1982, Americans were angry and upset over the economy and voted their anger. The result was a wave of Democrats being voted into the House, and an impatient voting populace sent a message to Ronald Reagan: Fix the economy and do it quickly. To put thin ... gs in perspective, Reagan swept up after the Carter recession. Clinton swept up the Bush 1 recession. Obama, to his credit, is trying to fix the Bush 2 recession. What I don't think people realize is that our economic system is like Jenga. Crashes are quick and immense, but rebuilding and growing the economy takes much more time, effort and focus. It will be interesting to see over the next two years what history holds for Obama and how he will work with the Congress.  

My mini-Me is a Freshman in marching band this year. I'm so happy that he has found something that he really loves to do. Just like me!

Esther the Wise. I miss having cats. This one belongs to the 'rents.

[ Download ] Every time I touch myself, I think of you, Christine.