The Twin Demons of Fear and Insecurity

These two guys have been rearing their ugly heads in my life the last week or so and I've been trying to decide how best to handle them. You see, I believe that I've really battled fear and insecurity since I was young. It's almost as if I expect bad things to happen and I'm trying to mentally prepare for the shock. For instance, when I was 21, I worked myself sick during college. I got so bent out of shape that I couldn't work anymore. I spent almost a month broke and feeling sorry for myself, lying in bed trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I was achy, felt awful, and my head was spacey. I ended up going to the hospital and having a battery of tests ran on me... nothing abnormal being discovered. Finally, I had my sister come pick me up and I spent the next two months recovering at home with my family. That moment seemed like such an utter failure to me. I had to drop out of school. I had to leave my best friends and our awesome apartment that had really become a cell to me. I really felt I had hit a low point in my life... and I was only in my early 20's. It took me quite a while to get back to where I felt healthy and vibrant again.
I do think, though, that the situation left me with insecurity that I've always had a difficult time keeping away.  Since that time in my life, I've struggled with having faith in a lot of things, including myself. When my car starts making noise, I assume the engine is simply going to fall out and that I will end up stranded somewhere alone, needing a tow truck and a $2000.00 repair. When I have some random pain in my chest (that I've had off and on for years), I assume that I'm due for a heart attack or stroke. When something bad financially comes along, I assume that I will end up homeless and living in my broke down car.
I need to work on believing in myself. I am an awesome person and a wonderful soul. I know this but I keep forgetting. I wrongly fall back on a time when I was 21 and just couldn't take care of myself. But I have to remember, I am not that person anymore. I was a boy then. I am a man now. I've got the most wonderful beautiful woman who is depending on me to be there for her. It's time to man up and deal with issues as they come. I'm getting better. Slowly.
Location: Grandview Heights, OH, USA

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