Did I dream this belief, or did I believe this dream?

I was listening to this Peter Gabriel song today, and it hit me. Though the song is about experiencing the death of a loved one, the lyrics pinpointed exactly what I've been going through over the past year.
Last September, a six year relationship died. It was devastating, probably more so than the divorce I went through when I was younger, mainly because I still loved this person. Our relationship had been experiencing a slow death for months and I refused to believe that eventually it would draw it's final breath. She was unhappy, and began an open affair with a co-worker. Still, I got out the resuscitation paddles and attempted to keep us on life support. Finally, in August, she pulled the plug. I left her the house and moved out on my own, determined to move on. My life was turned upside down and slowly I've worked on rebuilding it. But the grieving process remained... slowly my love for her went away, then the pain of missing her... then all I was left with was anger. Anger that she did what she did. Anger that I gave in and left without a fight. Anger that she spent six years helping me raise my son and now wanted nothing to do with him. Anger that her new boyfriend was a *gasp* Libertarian. Anger that she had turned into the person she used to hate so much.

I've finally let that go and forgiven her. It's hard to do... but I guess it is part of the grieving cycle.


Life carries on.



I Grieve, by Peter Gabriel

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different
then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This
flesh and bone
It's just the way that we are tied in
But there's no one home
I grieve...
for you
You leave...
Me

So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Said life carries
on...
Carries on and on and on...
And on

The news that truly shocks
is the empty, empty page
While
the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage...

And I can't handle this
I grieve...
For you
You leave...
Me

Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Said life carries
on...
I said life carries on and on...
And on

Life carries on in the people I meet
In every one that's out on the
street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
the rot and
the rust
In the ashes and the dust

Life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on
and on...
Life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...

Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face
that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and
on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...

Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
How I will
find relief
I grieve...

Comments

  1. enigma4ever1:05 AM, June 22, 2007

    wow...stunning...Forgiveness is a funny animal...First coming in the back door as Dirty scruffy and full of ngrowling anger...but then something happens, and time and distance brings Change ...but it is a bitch to get through and definently heart-rending....My heart goes out to you friend...Hang in there....

    I have listened to alot of Peter Gabriel this year, esp. the last 6 monthes....another great song that goes with the Grieve song...is "Don't Give Up"....the video with Kate Bush on YouTube is beautiful too...Red Rain..Shaking the Tree...sigh...The Man can sing...from the heart...


    Anyways....sorry to ramble...You have indeed been on quite a journey....thanks for being here again...it really is nice to see you back...

    ( Libertarian? ....OMG...that alone took my lil'ol' breath away....yikes...)

    (PS. I saw the Micheal Buble video today and thought about what you wrote about HOME....is that piece here?...I read it late last night...about the Golfball House and other California memories...g'nite)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Drew Dallons12:24 PM, June 25, 2007

    Thanks again for stopping by, E4E. Forgiveness is a thorny subject and is sometimes extremely hard to follow through on. I work on it day by day.

    I love "Don't Give Up"... there have been times in my life where I felt so much like I was living that song. I always think of my older sister as my 'Kate Bush'... as she's always been there for me in the worst of times.

    ReplyDelete
  3. enigma4ever1:23 PM, June 30, 2007

    Everyone should have a KateBush in their life...an older sister...a wise soul with wit wisdom and an easy shoulder to lean on....

    My grandmother used to be my KB.... soulful advice...then she was gone....( Breast and lung cancer...)...and then I had a very wonderful Bassatt- soulful browneyed wonder of a dog- Abby.....she had a way of coming and putting her paw on my knee when I was down....she always knew....

    If we have the KB's in life it makes hte forgiveness part a bit easier.....in the meantime...we just work on it day by day....

    take care...

    PS...glad you are in here in blogland again....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous4:13 PM, July 01, 2007

    I'm so sorry, I really am. It is so hard. Hang in there. It sounds like there's some confusion about who she is, who she wants, that she needs to work out. Its not easy to find ourselves and it is hard when people we love "move on" to people that don't seem at all like what we think they would want. -Lily

    ReplyDelete

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